The two old Scots had imbibed overmuch. Saying his good-night, the one told the other: "John, man, when ye gang oot at the door, ye'll see twa cabs. Tak' the first yin - the t'ither ane's no' there!"

Mrs Mary McInroy, of Perth, in the Scottish Highlands, chose a name for her son's home in Perth, Australia: 'Emahroo'. It spells 'Oor Hame' backwards.

Did you hear about the tourists who were visiting an old graveyards in Scotland and came upon a headstone that read "Here lies a pious man, a wonderful father, and a great teacher." One of the visitors quipped, "Just like the Scots tae bury three men in one grave!"

Jock, a believer in old customs, was giving directions for his own funeral. "Noo," he said to his son, "ye'll gae roon' the entire company an' see that they ha'e a dram. Syne ye'll gae roon' an' see that ha'e anither." Then he sighed and added, "An' as I'll no' be there mysel', I'll just ha'e mine the noo !"

Charlie Maclean, the life insurance salesman, had a special way of getting reluctant customers to sign up. "Take your time. Don't let me rush you. Sleep on it, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know then."