Scotland the Wit ???: The wisdom of the Scottish School Pupil

Wednesday 13 June 2007

The wisdom of the Scottish School Pupil

"I would like to apologise for the grafitti in your room especially as I had signed it!"

" You cannae fight!...Yae'd get a better fight fae a deid coo!"

"But Miss, I don't like the tap water. I like drinking the water in the boys' lavvies!"

"How are ye gonnae sign fir yur giro cheque if ye cannae write?"

"Magdeburg was a German scientist with balls seven feet in diameter
and when he attached two teams of horses to them, he couldn't pull them
apart"

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Whas Like US?

As the average Englishman moves about the home he calls his castle, watch him enjoy a typical English breakfast of toast and marmalade invented by Mrs Keiller of Dundee, Scotland; see him slipping into his national costume, a soiled raincoat, patented by Charles MacIntosh, a Glasgow druggist; and follow his footsteps over the linoleum flooring invented in Kirkcaldy, Scotland.
On The Road Out he goes - along the English lane surfaced by John MacAdam of Ayr, Scotland (known as the MacAdamized road), smoking an English cigarette, first manufactured by Robert Croag of Perthshire, Scotland. He hops aboard an English bus, which is using tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop, of Dreghorn, Scotland and later completes his journey by rail. (A reminder the James Watt of Greenock, Scotland invented the Steam Engine). At the office he is presented with the morning mail containing adhesive stamps invented by John Chalmers of Dundee, Scotland; and periodically during the day, he reaches for the telephone, invented by Alexander Graham Bell, born of Scottish parents.
At home in the evening, our English cousins wife is preparing his national dish of roast beef of old England - prime Aberdeen Angus, raised in Aberdeenshire, Scotland. This sets the patriotic heart beating a little faster, and he enters the dining room whistling "Ye Mariners of England" written and composed by Thomas Campbell of Glasgow, Scotland. After dinner there follows a scene typical of English domestic bliss. Young Albert is packed off to Boys Brigade, founded by Sir William Smith of Glasgow, Scotland; Ted goes to the Scouts, the present Chief of which is Sir Charles MacLean of Duart, Scotland; and little Ethel plays on her bicycle, invented by Kirkpatrick MacMillan, a blacksmith of Dumfries, Scotland. Mother, in the kitchen, bleaches clothes with bleach invented by James McGregor of Glasgow, Scotland. dad listens to the news on the television, invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburgh, Scotland, and hears an item about the United States Navy, founded by John Paul Jones, of Kirkbean, Scotland. Maybe, just maybe, he will remember that the radar with which the U.S. and other fleets are equipped was invented by Sir Robert A. Watson Watt, of Brechin, Scotland.
Once the children come home, Dad supervises the homework, using logarithms invented by John Napier of Edinburgh. The English course contains familiar books such as "Treasure Island" by Robert Louis Stevenson, and "Robinson Crusoe", based on the life of Alex Selkirk, of , Scotland. If by now he has been reminded too much of Scotland, he may in desperation pick up the bible - here at last to have something without Scottish associations; but he is disillusioned - the first man mentioned in the bible is a Scot, James VI, who authorised its translation. Its hopeless. Nowhere he can turn to escape the efficiency and ingenuity of the Scots. He could take a drink - but we supply the best in the world. He could stick his head in the oven - but the coal gas was discovered by William Murdoch of Ayr, Scotland. He could take rifle and blow his brains out, but. of course the breach loading rifle was invented by a Scot. Anyway, if he survived, injured, he would simple find himself on an operating table, injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Flaming of Darvel, Scotland; given an anaesthetic discovered by James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland; and operated on be antiseptic surgery pioneered at Glasgow Royal Infirmary. On coming out of the anaesthetic, he would probable take no comfort in learning from his surgeon that he was as safe as the Bank of England, founded by William Paterson of Dumfries, Scotland.
Poor fellows only hope would be to receive a transfusion of good SCOTs blood which would entitle him to ask
"Whas like us?"
Gie few and thur aw deed !