"There are two seasons in Scotland - June and Winter."
"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards."
“We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it”
“Land of the hill and heather Land of the awful weather. Land where the midges gather- Scotland the Brave"
"KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotsmen in America and Americans in Scotland"
"In Scotland there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes."
"Anyone going for a job in Scotland is advised to get themselves checked out by 15 psychiatrists"
"Dont tell me how to do my job. Do I come to your work and tell you how to sweep up?"
"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who gives a fuck, your a mile away from him and youve got his shoes."