Wee Jim and Auld Jock are "wanderin' doon the toon tae gan fir a pint."
Jock happens across a discarded mirror and picks it up and says to Jim.
"Hey wee jim ah recko'nise this face"
We Jim takes it off him and has a look and slaps Auld Jock around the head and says
"Nae wonder you auld numpty, its ME!"
Jim and Jock are a bit strapped for cash one day only having a single pound coin between them. "whit 'r' we gannae dae Jock, ahm chokin' fir a wee dram."
"Dinnay panick wee man. Huv ah ever let yeh doon!" jock replies. A couple of seconds later Jock darts into a Butchers shop and walks out with a great big grin and a huge sausage.
"wit the hell did yeh dae? Thats oor last poond man, an' yeh went an spet it oan a bloody Sausage?" Wee Jim was not happy.
"Ahve goat a plan just do as ah say." Jock leads wee jim into the nearest pub and asks the barman for two pints and two of the best Malts.
"Wit yeh daene Jock wuv nae money wul git thrown oot or they might even call the polis!"
Auld Jock whips out the sausage and sticks it through his open zipper and tells jim "here while that bar mans tallyin' up oan the till swally yer drinks fast and then git doon oan yer knees and stick yer gums roon this sausage." So they both gulp down the drinks, jim kneels down and puts his mouth around the sausage. The barman turns around to get the cash for the drinks and upon seeing whats going on de,ands that they leave immediately as "this is not that kind of establishment!"
Jimk and Jock repeat this in several bars and get the same outcome, free drinks. At the tenth pub Jim, rubbing his knees, turns to Jock and says "Its bin a great day, but we need tae stoap as ma knees are killin me and im pretty plastered anyway."
Jock replies "Yer kneese are sare. How dya think ah feel! I loast that sausage in the third bloody pub!"