Scotrail are trying hard to keep customers informed about the reasons for the late running of trains. So when the train arrived at Edinburgh from Glasgow and the doors remained shut, the loud speaker announcement ran something like this - "We would like to apologise to passengers for the late opening of the doors. This is due to the guard's incompetence. This incompetence was caused by an accident at birth and everything possible is being done to rectify the situation."
When the ferry company in the Western Isles charged reduced rates for vehicles transporting sheep, some customers took advantage of this and took a sheep in the back seat of their car when going to the mainland (and had the same sheep on the way back). Eventually, the company had to change the rules.
In the middle of foggy night in the North-west Atlantic.....two lights are heading directly for one another... and on the radio an American voice is heard saying "We suggest you alter course by 10 degrees to port". Back comes the reply "We suggest YOU alter course by 10 degrees to port!" Then the American voice says "This is the battleship USS Missouri leading the American Atlantic battle fleet. You had better alter course by 10 degrees to port." Back comes the reply "This is the Outer Hebrides lighthouse, but it's your call, Jimmy".