a couple ay jokes

Fairy Washing Up Ad in Glasgow

Young girl washing up, takes her hands out of sink full of dish water and as she is drying them off, a young boy approaches and taking her hands into his, he begins to rub them and comments on how smooth they are.
Now, here is my interpretation of how the Ad should sound like, if being filmed in the infamous Gorbals area of Glasgow.
YOUNG BOY : 'Hey mammy! How's yer hauns sae saft?'
YOUNG GIRL : 'Cause ah'm only thirteen, ya fucken eedjit!'

Tam and Senga

Tam and his wife Sengawere walking in a shopping centre with their baby, when they decided to go into Mothercare for a look at some things. When they came back out they started to walk away, when Senga said, "Tam, that's not our baby".
Tam said, "Shut up and keep walking, it's a better pram"!

Tam confides.........

One day while sitting having a wee swally tam turned roon' Tae Jock and said

"I never slept with my wife before I married her. What about you"? He asked Jock.
Jock thought for a moment, then said,
"I’m not really sure Tam! What was her maiden name"?

Jock and Tam at it again.....

"alright Jock, it’s Tam here, how’s it hanging pal? D’you fancy goin’ along tae a funeral on Thursday? It’ll be a right good yin. A big ‘turn up’ is expected, without a single vegetable in sight".

"Who is it that’s getting buried?" Jock replied

"The deceased ya daft bugger, who dae ye think"?

"Well, I had already worked that out. So who was he"?

"Wullie Spencer! Apparently he was a van driver over at Hamilton". He replied.

"Whit he die oh"? Jock asked, showing some concern for a fallen weejie.

"What! All of a sudden you’re fucken ‘Quincy ME’? How the fuck wid I know, I just read it in the paper, but he died of something, or they widnay be burying him"!

Jock thought for a moment then said, "I don’t think I know him".

"Well ye don’t need to worry about it Jock, ‘cause yer no’ gonny be introduced, he's deid"!

Scottish slang

Geeza :- give me

Gonnay No dae that :- please do not do that

ah canny be bathered :- I cannot be bothered

Ahl nut yeh :- I will place my head on yours at very high velocity inflicting great pain

Witzit :- what is it?

Dinnae want tae :- I do not want to

Ahl smash yer coupon :- I will punch you very hard in the face

ats tae much bather :- that is far too bothersome

wits the crack :- what is happening today/with you

Under Construction

Watch out for video bar and new photos coming coming soon

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humour sites

liking scottish humour?

Have a look for some of our best comedians/Comedys:

Billy Connolly

Chewin the Fat

Ricky Fulton

Still Game

Rab C Nesbit

Karen Dunbar

Im sure you will p**s yourself laughing!

summer............

tis gone again!

Summer..................

It is actually HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

John Smeaton Local Hero!

These are genuine quotes from new hero "Sir" John Smeaton (and some possible quotes from those American Folks)

Glasgow v America

If this had happened at a US airport as compared to Glasgow this would be some of the Eyewitness accounts;

America: “Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, I just ran for my life. I thought I was gonna die, he got so close to me.”

Glasgow: “C*nt wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him.”

America: “I just wanna get home,away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought I was gonna die.”

Glasgow: “Here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a feckin’ plane!”

America: “There was pandemonium, people were running in all directions,we didn’t know what was hapening, I thought I was gonna die.”

Glasgow: “Feck this fir a kerry oan, moan, we’ll get a pint in.”

America: “We thought he was gonna blow us all up. He had a gas canister and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life.”

Glasgow: “A swaggered by the motor that wis on fire and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis ‘n fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws.”

America: “There was this huge explosion,it sounded like war, I thought I was gonna die.”

Glasgow: “There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that.”
America: “I’m too traumatised even to speak,I thought I was gonna die.”

Glasgow “Here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it.”

& finally, two genuine quotes from a real eye-witness aka John Smeaton.

1) ITV news. The interviewer asked, “What message do you have for the bombers?” Smeaton replied, “This is Glasgow, we’ll just set about you.”

2) CNN. The interviewer asked, “How did you restrain the guy?” Smeaton replied, “Me and other folk were just tryin tae get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him."

Pure class.

And God created.......

In the beginning, The Lord God Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to His mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal.In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas".

"Excuse me Sire", interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots"?"Not really", replied the Lord, "wait 'til you see the neighbours I'm giving them".

Terror Attacks...........

For the first time in recent history Scotland has become a Target for terrorists. Even the conflicts in Ireland in the 70's and 80's did not involve any part of our land.
There are many theories why we have now become targets including the transfer of power from Tony Blair to Gordon Brown, a scots man.

Scotland has suffered at the hands of mental terrorism for 3hundred years at the hands of the English Government. The tories tested the council tax on us but only scrapped it, like us, when the english public said NO. The first coal mines closed were in Scotland and we are always treated like a small region of England rather than a country with its own identity.
We have always fought against this, and now that we have a Scottish National Party government it is obvious we have had enough.

It will not take is 3hundred years to stand against the tyranny of terrorism. We stand united in our defiance to let this ruin our way of life. We are a proud nation, proud of our heritage, proud of our land and proud of our strength.

To anyone thinking about hurting this beautiful land of ours, we say:-

" away ye go you stupid buggers! Before we drag you doon a close an kick yer feckin heed in!"