Scotland the Wit ???

Is Summer here????

2009-08-10T14:00:00.003Z

Ive just popped in from the garden because it is too hot!

Yup thats right summer may actually be here!!!! All i can say is its about bloody time lol.

I blame the governments of the world for our poor summers. All this talk of saving the environment, getting everyone to recycle because of global warming - TOSH!

Anyone who has ever filled a glass with ice cubes and topped it up with their fave tipple will understand that sea levels will NOT rise when the ice caps do. Thinkl about it! When the ice in your drink melts does your glass overflow? NO! Its displacement.

So the people of Scotland beg the nations of the world, stop recycling, stop switching off your computer, stop switching off lights and TV sets and give us the summer we deserve.

(this is a rant with facts but i do encourage saving the planet really lol)

Susan Boyle. International Superstar ?

2009-06-24T16:18:00.004Z

BGT! Britains Got Talent!

Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Dustin Hoffman, President Obama are just a few of the A list names banded around when it comes to the newly crowned queen of entertainment, the one and only SUBO.

Ok, so, a lonely auld spinster pops up on an over rated talent show and takes the world by storm. Every one is talking about how talented and gifted this unlikely creature is. I beg to differ!!

Subo can, I admit, hold the notes of two songs quite well but give her an Abba number and she falls to pieces shouting for her cat and running around hotel lobbys pointing at random folk.

This woman is the reason why Scottish people should never be allowed on reality television. In fact any television without a strict vetting process. Her inane warblings, her emotional breakdowns and that wierd dance she does when cameras are around screams pure insanity, an insanity Im sure she has suffered for most of her life but it has only now come to the fore with all the pressure she finds herself in.

She is not the only Scot to embarrass us. Look at previous BIG BROTHER. Any Scottish person to become a housemate has been either mad or intorable, granted Karly in BB09 isnt too bad.

Scotland does not want to be portrayed by these morons or by people who break down at the slightest hint of popularity, we just want to switch the telly on and not be reminded of how bad our accent sounds to others and how mad a nation we must actually be.

Parrott and Viagra

2009-06-24T15:37:00.002Z

Jock returns home from work all excited as he has managed to get a date with a girl at work. After having his shower he reaches into the bathroom cabinet to get his last Viagra only to discover it had gone.
Confused he wandered through to his living room and there stood his pet parrott with the viagra pack at his feet and an enormous erection.
"Noooooooooooo!" Cried Jock and furious at his pet grabbed the parrott and put him in the freezer shouting "Im disgusted! You can stay in here till you cool down!"

After a few hours Jock, feeling a bit guilty, opens the freezer to retrieve the parrott only to find it on the middle shelf sweating prefusely and still with a huge erection. "How is this possible, how can you still be sweating?"

The parrott, frustrated, replies "You would be sweating too, do you know how difficult it is to prize open the legs of a frozen chicken!!"

It has been ages

2009-06-24T15:33:00.003Z

Well hello my faithfull few I hope you havent missed me too much.

I know it has been more than a while but hey Im back now with new rants and jokes and other material to be getting on with and I am proud to announce we have just had a "Wee Boy". He is absolutely fantastic and ill post a couple o' pics later.............

tam and senga

2008-04-17T11:19:00.003Z

Tam gets home and the first thing he does is flop onto the sofa and demands "Senga, get me a beer before it starts!"
Senga strolls through and passes Tam his beer.
After about 2 mins Tam, again, shouts "Senga! Quick get me another beer before it starts!"
Once more Senga passes him a beer and yet once more Tam shouts "another beforee it starts!"
Senga storms through and shouts "Listen here you lazy fat beggar, get up off your lazy ass and get the beers yourself and stop barking orders and...."
Tam mutters to himself at this point "And there it starts!"

blow up doll ....................

2007-10-15T23:35:00.001Z

A bloke walks into an Adult sex shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable girlfriend.

"would you like a blonde or brunette?" asks the assistant

"a blond please" he replies

"Blue eyes or green?" the bloke was next asked

"Green please" he says with an eager smile

"Christian or Muslim" he was finally asked.

"What the heel has religion got to do with anything" asks the bloke, confused.

The assistant replies "Well the Muslim blows her self up!"

Wow......

2007-10-15T23:29:00.000Z

Oh my god.....!!!!!!

Look at group B......

Scotland are still top.

At home we just beat, sorry, HUMPED, Estonia 3-1

every football fan, every father, son, daughter, uncle, granny and popa just cant believe that we are still at the top of the group that includes France and Italy!!!!

I would swear but its just not in my nature.

Fuck it!

"Fan FUCKIN TASTIC!!!"

QUARTER FINALS....

2007-10-01T09:27:00.001Z

Scotland have made it to the quarter finals of the world cup

scotland v argentina

quarter finals

world cup

last 8

is it really true???????????????

Scotland the amazing............

2007-09-26T10:38:00.000Z

Its not very often that I look at the world of sport and see the results I am now witnessing for Scotland. National and League teams seem to have found a new vigour, a new breath of life, a new OOMPH!

Champions League football - both old firms are in the qualifying stages of footballs most prestigious competition. Gunning for a place in the last 16, both teams are showing the world that Scotland is now no lomger an underdog nation, we can hold our own and we can kick your arse! LOL

Rugby world cup. Ok granted we were humped 40-0 by New Zealand but we put out a B team to save our first team players from injury as, although it was a horrific result we are still secound in our group and are in a good position to qualify.

Scotland Football team.
Need I say more?
Last year we achieved the unthinkable and won 1-0 against France at Hampden, amazing. Just recently we then travelled to Paris for the second leg and to everyones amazement we did it again!
SCOTLAND 1 - FRANCE 0

We now sit at the top of the table.
Scotland at the top of the group???? Im still pinching myself.

Scotland, Brainiest Bunch in Britain. Official!!

2007-08-28T10:42:00.000Z

Test the Nation, a quiz on BBC Television was aired last night. They take teams of work groups such as surgeons, removal men etc etc and pitch them against each other in an IQ Test.

People at home can take part interactively and online.

Out of 70 questions, made up of memory tasks, observation tasks and the like, I managed 59 correct. This gives me an IQ of 125. Pretty good considering the highest is 146!! I am impressed if not a little surprised lol.

The BBC also collate the results from all interactive and online participants to find the average IQ of each of the 4 home nations, NIreland, Wales,England and of course Scotland.

Guess What!

Its no suirprise to me.............

SCOTLAND CAME TOP!!!

With an average IQ of 94.

Come on the Scots.

(For proof of our iontelligence read "whas Like us" down the right hand column.

Some Geographical Facts on Scotland

2007-08-20T08:58:00.000Z

Scotland is the oldest rock on the British Isles, proving once and for all that Scotland was here first. It has two great lakes or lochs known as Loch Ness and Loch Lomond put there by the Scottish tourist board to attract visitors. The others are for the use of absentee land lords who generally reside south of the border.Scotland has lots of weather and usually all on the same day, apart from public holidays and the Glasgow Fair when it can be guaranteed to rain pissistantly(persistantly)

Scotlands had enough of...........

2007-08-20T07:16:00.000Z

1) Sectarian Chants at football matches especially old firm!

2) The Shitty Summer Weather, again!

3) BBC Scotland showing nothing Scottish!

4) The very poor accents on River City!

5) Non Scots (heathens) not able to understand us Scots.

6) England and America forgetting that they didnt invent things but it was all our idea!

(see "Wah's Like Us" above)

Tam the Magician

2007-08-16T12:43:00.001Z

Just like every other day jock and tasm are wanderin roon' the high street abusing everyone who passes by.

Tam then says to Jock "d'yeh ken Jock? Ahm noo a Magician!"

"Wit?" is Jocks reply

"Aye ahm noo a magician an a feckin great yin tae"

"Tam ah dinnae ken wit yir talkin aboot. Since when?"

"The ither day Jock." proclaims Tam

Jock asks " A'right wit trick did ye dae to convince yersel yer a magician?"

Tam Replies "Well ah wis just donnerin doon the street an ah turned intae a pub"

Tam the Magician

2007-08-16T11:38:00.000Z

Jock and Tam, again as everyday, are strolling down the high street drinking Buckfast and hollering abuse at evry passer by, especially prats with briefcases as they are deemed, to jock and tam, as "pure scum man!"

Tam says to Jock "Hey jock am ah magician now"

Jock looks at him "wit ye talkin aboot now Tam?"

"Aye ahm noo a Magician"

Jock replies "hows on oor wee godforsaken wee planet are you a magician?"

Tam, with a smug look and a slight smirk on his face says "I was walkin doon the street the ither day and I turned into a PUB! Pure magic man"

Edinburgh Fringe Festival........

2007-08-14T13:12:00.000Z

It is that time of year again. The population of Edinburgh swells twofold and none of the locals can get anywhere without losing their tit at some dipshit tourists who always seem to take up the whole pavement then decide to stop right in front of you!!!!!

The edinburgh Fringe festival started way back in 1947. It was officially penned as the fringe festival after journalist Robert Kemp reported ‘Round the fringe of official Festival drama, there seems to be more private enterprise than before … I am afraid some of us are not going to be at home during the evenings!’.

It has risen in popularity so much that it is now one of the largest festivals in the world and most definately the largest of its kind.

Accomodation is ussually booked up the previous year so if you do plan to visit next year, BOOK NOW!! (prices are hiked up a hell of a lot too).

From dance to literature, circus acts to serious drama there is something for everyone to enjoy no matter what age.

The best thing though is the Comedy!
Comedians from the world over gather to perform either established acts such as Ed Byrn Bill Bailey and the likes to new comers to the stand up circuit trying to grab recognition.
Some acts and venues can be quite expensive but familiar comedians are worth paying for.

Fancy free Fringing?????

Visit The Pear Tree House. Not only do they serve good cheap scottish pies, reasonably priced outdoor barbeques and a good array of lagers and ales the also boast a Beer Garden you could land a Boeng 747 in and this is where a fringe secret gem takes place. FREE FRINGING!
Different acts, mostly comedy, all day from 11am everyday of the festival and free.
Its a cracking day out and a very good way to catch free fringe shows.

Pear Tree House 38 West Nicolson Street Edinburgh EH8 9DD Tel: 0131 667 7533

http://www.thepeartreehouse.co.uk/

a couple ay jokes

2007-07-30T11:53:00.000Z

Fairy Washing Up Ad in Glasgow

Young girl washing up, takes her hands out of sink full of dish water and as she is drying them off, a young boy approaches and taking her hands into his, he begins to rub them and comments on how smooth they are.
Now, here is my interpretation of how the Ad should sound like, if being filmed in the infamous Gorbals area of Glasgow.
YOUNG BOY : 'Hey mammy! How's yer hauns sae saft?'
YOUNG GIRL : 'Cause ah'm only thirteen, ya fucken eedjit!'

Tam and Senga

Tam and his wife Sengawere walking in a shopping centre with their baby, when they decided to go into Mothercare for a look at some things. When they came back out they started to walk away, when Senga said, "Tam, that's not our baby".
Tam said, "Shut up and keep walking, it's a better pram"!

Tam confides.........

2007-07-30T11:44:00.001Z

One day while sitting having a wee swally tam turned roon' Tae Jock and said

"I never slept with my wife before I married her. What about you"? He asked Jock.
Jock thought for a moment, then said,
"I’m not really sure Tam! What was her maiden name"?

Jock and Tam at it again.....

2007-07-30T11:30:00.000Z

"alright Jock, it’s Tam here, how’s it hanging pal? D’you fancy goin’ along tae a funeral on Thursday? It’ll be a right good yin. A big ‘turn up’ is expected, without a single vegetable in sight".

"Who is it that’s getting buried?" Jock replied

"The deceased ya daft bugger, who dae ye think"?

"Well, I had already worked that out. So who was he"?

"Wullie Spencer! Apparently he was a van driver over at Hamilton". He replied.

"Whit he die oh"? Jock asked, showing some concern for a fallen weejie.

"What! All of a sudden you’re fucken ‘Quincy ME’? How the fuck wid I know, I just read it in the paper, but he died of something, or they widnay be burying him"!

Jock thought for a moment then said, "I don’t think I know him".

"Well ye don’t need to worry about it Jock, ‘cause yer no’ gonny be introduced, he's deid"!

Scottish slang

2007-07-30T11:05:00.000Z

Geeza :- give me

Gonnay No dae that :- please do not do that

ah canny be bathered :- I cannot be bothered

Ahl nut yeh :- I will place my head on yours at very high velocity inflicting great pain

Witzit :- what is it?

Dinnae want tae :- I do not want to

Ahl smash yer coupon :- I will punch you very hard in the face

ats tae much bather :- that is far too bothersome

wits the crack :- what is happening today/with you

Under Construction

2007-07-28T11:01:00.000Z

Watch out for video bar and new photos coming coming soon

2007-07-26T14:57:00.000Z

http://www.flurl.com/item/Sottish_Star_Trek_u_110490/

Star trek Scotland - fairly funny

humour sites

2007-07-25T11:34:00.000Z

liking scottish humour?

Have a look for some of our best comedians/Comedys:

Billy Connolly

Chewin the Fat

Ricky Fulton

Still Game

Rab C Nesbit

Karen Dunbar

Im sure you will p**s yourself laughing!

summer............

2007-07-25T07:22:00.000Z

tis gone again!

Summer..................

2007-07-24T08:57:00.000Z

It is actually HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

John Smeaton Local Hero!

2007-07-23T15:22:00.000Z

These are genuine quotes from new hero "Sir" John Smeaton (and some possible quotes from those American Folks)

Glasgow v America

If this had happened at a US airport as compared to Glasgow this would be some of the Eyewitness accounts;

America: “Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, I just ran for my life. I thought I was gonna die, he got so close to me.”

Glasgow: “C*nt wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him.”

America: “I just wanna get home,away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought I was gonna die.”

Glasgow: “Here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a feckin’ plane!”

America: “There was pandemonium, people were running in all directions,we didn’t know what was hapening, I thought I was gonna die.”

Glasgow: “Feck this fir a kerry oan, moan, we’ll get a pint in.”

America: “We thought he was gonna blow us all up. He had a gas canister and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life.”

Glasgow: “A swaggered by the motor that wis on fire and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis ‘n fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws.”

America: “There was this huge explosion,it sounded like war, I thought I was gonna die.”

Glasgow: “There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that.”
America: “I’m too traumatised even to speak,I thought I was gonna die.”

Glasgow “Here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it.”

& finally, two genuine quotes from a real eye-witness aka John Smeaton.

1) ITV news. The interviewer asked, “What message do you have for the bombers?” Smeaton replied, “This is Glasgow, we’ll just set about you.”

2) CNN. The interviewer asked, “How did you restrain the guy?” Smeaton replied, “Me and other folk were just tryin tae get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him."

Pure class.