Scotland the Wit ???

Is Summer here????

2009-08-10T14:00:00.003Z

Ive just popped in from the garden because it is too hot!

Yup thats right summer may actually be here!!!! All i can say is its about bloody time lol.

I blame the governments of the world for our poor summers. All this talk of saving the environment, getting everyone to recycle because of global warming - TOSH!

Anyone who has ever filled a glass with ice cubes and topped it up with their fave tipple will understand that sea levels will NOT rise when the ice caps do. Thinkl about it! When the ice in your drink melts does your glass overflow? NO! Its displacement.

So the people of Scotland beg the nations of the world, stop recycling, stop switching off your computer, stop switching off lights and TV sets and give us the summer we deserve.

(this is a rant with facts but i do encourage saving the planet really lol)

Susan Boyle. International Superstar ?

2009-06-24T16:18:00.004Z

BGT! Britains Got Talent!

Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Dustin Hoffman, President Obama are just a few of the A list names banded around when it comes to the newly crowned queen of entertainment, the one and only SUBO.

Ok, so, a lonely auld spinster pops up on an over rated talent show and takes the world by storm. Every one is talking about how talented and gifted this unlikely creature is. I beg to differ!!

Subo can, I admit, hold the notes of two songs quite well but give her an Abba number and she falls to pieces shouting for her cat and running around hotel lobbys pointing at random folk.

This woman is the reason why Scottish people should never be allowed on reality television. In fact any television without a strict vetting process. Her inane warblings, her emotional breakdowns and that wierd dance she does when cameras are around screams pure insanity, an insanity Im sure she has suffered for most of her life but it has only now come to the fore with all the pressure she finds herself in.

She is not the only Scot to embarrass us. Look at previous BIG BROTHER. Any Scottish person to become a housemate has been either mad or intorable, granted Karly in BB09 isnt too bad.

Scotland does not want to be portrayed by these morons or by people who break down at the slightest hint of popularity, we just want to switch the telly on and not be reminded of how bad our accent sounds to others and how mad a nation we must actually be.

Parrott and Viagra

2009-06-24T15:37:00.002Z

Jock returns home from work all excited as he has managed to get a date with a girl at work. After having his shower he reaches into the bathroom cabinet to get his last Viagra only to discover it had gone.
Confused he wandered through to his living room and there stood his pet parrott with the viagra pack at his feet and an enormous erection.
"Noooooooooooo!" Cried Jock and furious at his pet grabbed the parrott and put him in the freezer shouting "Im disgusted! You can stay in here till you cool down!"

After a few hours Jock, feeling a bit guilty, opens the freezer to retrieve the parrott only to find it on the middle shelf sweating prefusely and still with a huge erection. "How is this possible, how can you still be sweating?"

The parrott, frustrated, replies "You would be sweating too, do you know how difficult it is to prize open the legs of a frozen chicken!!"

It has been ages

2009-06-24T15:33:00.003Z

Well hello my faithfull few I hope you havent missed me too much.

I know it has been more than a while but hey Im back now with new rants and jokes and other material to be getting on with and I am proud to announce we have just had a "Wee Boy". He is absolutely fantastic and ill post a couple o' pics later.............

tam and senga

2008-04-17T11:19:00.003Z

Tam gets home and the first thing he does is flop onto the sofa and demands "Senga, get me a beer before it starts!"
Senga strolls through and passes Tam his beer.
After about 2 mins Tam, again, shouts "Senga! Quick get me another beer before it starts!"
Once more Senga passes him a beer and yet once more Tam shouts "another beforee it starts!"
Senga storms through and shouts "Listen here you lazy fat beggar, get up off your lazy ass and get the beers yourself and stop barking orders and...."
Tam mutters to himself at this point "And there it starts!"

blow up doll ....................

2007-10-15T23:35:00.001Z

A bloke walks into an Adult sex shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable girlfriend.

"would you like a blonde or brunette?" asks the assistant

"a blond please" he replies

"Blue eyes or green?" the bloke was next asked

"Green please" he says with an eager smile

"Christian or Muslim" he was finally asked.

"What the heel has religion got to do with anything" asks the bloke, confused.

The assistant replies "Well the Muslim blows her self up!"

Wow......

2007-10-15T23:29:00.000Z

Oh my god.....!!!!!!

Look at group B......

Scotland are still top.

At home we just beat, sorry, HUMPED, Estonia 3-1

every football fan, every father, son, daughter, uncle, granny and popa just cant believe that we are still at the top of the group that includes France and Italy!!!!

I would swear but its just not in my nature.

Fuck it!

"Fan FUCKIN TASTIC!!!"

QUARTER FINALS....

2007-10-01T09:27:00.001Z

Scotland have made it to the quarter finals of the world cup

scotland v argentina

quarter finals

world cup

last 8

is it really true???????????????

Scotland the amazing............

2007-09-26T10:38:00.000Z

Its not very often that I look at the world of sport and see the results I am now witnessing for Scotland. National and League teams seem to have found a new vigour, a new breath of life, a new OOMPH!

Champions League football - both old firms are in the qualifying stages of footballs most prestigious competition. Gunning for a place in the last 16, both teams are showing the world that Scotland is now no lomger an underdog nation, we can hold our own and we can kick your arse! LOL

Rugby world cup. Ok granted we were humped 40-0 by New Zealand but we put out a B team to save our first team players from injury as, although it was a horrific result we are still secound in our group and are in a good position to qualify.

Scotland Football team.
Need I say more?
Last year we achieved the unthinkable and won 1-0 against France at Hampden, amazing. Just recently we then travelled to Paris for the second leg and to everyones amazement we did it again!
SCOTLAND 1 - FRANCE 0

We now sit at the top of the table.
Scotland at the top of the group???? Im still pinching myself.

Scotland, Brainiest Bunch in Britain. Official!!

2007-08-28T10:42:00.000Z

Test the Nation, a quiz on BBC Television was aired last night. They take teams of work groups such as surgeons, removal men etc etc and pitch them against each other in an IQ Test.

People at home can take part interactively and online.

Out of 70 questions, made up of memory tasks, observation tasks and the like, I managed 59 correct. This gives me an IQ of 125. Pretty good considering the highest is 146!! I am impressed if not a little surprised lol.

The BBC also collate the results from all interactive and online participants to find the average IQ of each of the 4 home nations, NIreland, Wales,England and of course Scotland.

Guess What!

Its no suirprise to me.............

SCOTLAND CAME TOP!!!

With an average IQ of 94.

Come on the Scots.

(For proof of our iontelligence read "whas Like us" down the right hand column.

Some Geographical Facts on Scotland

2007-08-20T08:58:00.000Z

Scotland is the oldest rock on the British Isles, proving once and for all that Scotland was here first. It has two great lakes or lochs known as Loch Ness and Loch Lomond put there by the Scottish tourist board to attract visitors. The others are for the use of absentee land lords who generally reside south of the border.Scotland has lots of weather and usually all on the same day, apart from public holidays and the Glasgow Fair when it can be guaranteed to rain pissistantly(persistantly)

Scotlands had enough of...........

2007-08-20T07:16:00.000Z

1) Sectarian Chants at football matches especially old firm!

2) The Shitty Summer Weather, again!

3) BBC Scotland showing nothing Scottish!

4) The very poor accents on River City!

5) Non Scots (heathens) not able to understand us Scots.

6) England and America forgetting that they didnt invent things but it was all our idea!

(see "Wah's Like Us" above)

Tam the Magician

2007-08-16T12:43:00.001Z

Just like every other day jock and tasm are wanderin roon' the high street abusing everyone who passes by.

Tam then says to Jock "d'yeh ken Jock? Ahm noo a Magician!"

"Wit?" is Jocks reply

"Aye ahm noo a magician an a feckin great yin tae"

"Tam ah dinnae ken wit yir talkin aboot. Since when?"

"The ither day Jock." proclaims Tam

Jock asks " A'right wit trick did ye dae to convince yersel yer a magician?"

Tam Replies "Well ah wis just donnerin doon the street an ah turned intae a pub"

Tam the Magician

2007-08-16T11:38:00.000Z

Jock and Tam, again as everyday, are strolling down the high street drinking Buckfast and hollering abuse at evry passer by, especially prats with briefcases as they are deemed, to jock and tam, as "pure scum man!"

Tam says to Jock "Hey jock am ah magician now"

Jock looks at him "wit ye talkin aboot now Tam?"

"Aye ahm noo a Magician"

Jock replies "hows on oor wee godforsaken wee planet are you a magician?"

Tam, with a smug look and a slight smirk on his face says "I was walkin doon the street the ither day and I turned into a PUB! Pure magic man"

Edinburgh Fringe Festival........

2007-08-14T13:12:00.000Z

It is that time of year again. The population of Edinburgh swells twofold and none of the locals can get anywhere without losing their tit at some dipshit tourists who always seem to take up the whole pavement then decide to stop right in front of you!!!!!

The edinburgh Fringe festival started way back in 1947. It was officially penned as the fringe festival after journalist Robert Kemp reported ‘Round the fringe of official Festival drama, there seems to be more private enterprise than before … I am afraid some of us are not going to be at home during the evenings!’.

It has risen in popularity so much that it is now one of the largest festivals in the world and most definately the largest of its kind.

Accomodation is ussually booked up the previous year so if you do plan to visit next year, BOOK NOW!! (prices are hiked up a hell of a lot too).

From dance to literature, circus acts to serious drama there is something for everyone to enjoy no matter what age.

The best thing though is the Comedy!
Comedians from the world over gather to perform either established acts such as Ed Byrn Bill Bailey and the likes to new comers to the stand up circuit trying to grab recognition.
Some acts and venues can be quite expensive but familiar comedians are worth paying for.

Fancy free Fringing?????

Visit The Pear Tree House. Not only do they serve good cheap scottish pies, reasonably priced outdoor barbeques and a good array of lagers and ales the also boast a Beer Garden you could land a Boeng 747 in and this is where a fringe secret gem takes place. FREE FRINGING!
Different acts, mostly comedy, all day from 11am everyday of the festival and free.
Its a cracking day out and a very good way to catch free fringe shows.

Pear Tree House 38 West Nicolson Street Edinburgh EH8 9DD Tel: 0131 667 7533

http://www.thepeartreehouse.co.uk/

a couple ay jokes

2007-07-30T11:53:00.000Z

Fairy Washing Up Ad in Glasgow

Young girl washing up, takes her hands out of sink full of dish water and as she is drying them off, a young boy approaches and taking her hands into his, he begins to rub them and comments on how smooth they are.
Now, here is my interpretation of how the Ad should sound like, if being filmed in the infamous Gorbals area of Glasgow.
YOUNG BOY : 'Hey mammy! How's yer hauns sae saft?'
YOUNG GIRL : 'Cause ah'm only thirteen, ya fucken eedjit!'

Tam and Senga

Tam and his wife Sengawere walking in a shopping centre with their baby, when they decided to go into Mothercare for a look at some things. When they came back out they started to walk away, when Senga said, "Tam, that's not our baby".
Tam said, "Shut up and keep walking, it's a better pram"!

Tam confides.........

2007-07-30T11:44:00.001Z

One day while sitting having a wee swally tam turned roon' Tae Jock and said

"I never slept with my wife before I married her. What about you"? He asked Jock.
Jock thought for a moment, then said,
"I’m not really sure Tam! What was her maiden name"?

Jock and Tam at it again.....

2007-07-30T11:30:00.000Z

"alright Jock, it’s Tam here, how’s it hanging pal? D’you fancy goin’ along tae a funeral on Thursday? It’ll be a right good yin. A big ‘turn up’ is expected, without a single vegetable in sight".

"Who is it that’s getting buried?" Jock replied

"The deceased ya daft bugger, who dae ye think"?

"Well, I had already worked that out. So who was he"?

"Wullie Spencer! Apparently he was a van driver over at Hamilton". He replied.

"Whit he die oh"? Jock asked, showing some concern for a fallen weejie.

"What! All of a sudden you’re fucken ‘Quincy ME’? How the fuck wid I know, I just read it in the paper, but he died of something, or they widnay be burying him"!

Jock thought for a moment then said, "I don’t think I know him".

"Well ye don’t need to worry about it Jock, ‘cause yer no’ gonny be introduced, he's deid"!

Scottish slang

2007-07-30T11:05:00.000Z

Geeza :- give me

Gonnay No dae that :- please do not do that

ah canny be bathered :- I cannot be bothered

Ahl nut yeh :- I will place my head on yours at very high velocity inflicting great pain

Witzit :- what is it?

Dinnae want tae :- I do not want to

Ahl smash yer coupon :- I will punch you very hard in the face

ats tae much bather :- that is far too bothersome

wits the crack :- what is happening today/with you

Under Construction

2007-07-28T11:01:00.000Z

Watch out for video bar and new photos coming coming soon

2007-07-26T14:57:00.000Z

http://www.flurl.com/item/Sottish_Star_Trek_u_110490/

Star trek Scotland - fairly funny

humour sites

2007-07-25T11:34:00.000Z

liking scottish humour?

Have a look for some of our best comedians/Comedys:

Billy Connolly

Chewin the Fat

Ricky Fulton

Still Game

Rab C Nesbit

Karen Dunbar

Im sure you will p**s yourself laughing!

summer............

2007-07-25T07:22:00.000Z

tis gone again!

Summer..................

2007-07-24T08:57:00.000Z

It is actually HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

John Smeaton Local Hero!

2007-07-23T15:22:00.000Z

These are genuine quotes from new hero "Sir" John Smeaton (and some possible quotes from those American Folks)

Glasgow v America

If this had happened at a US airport as compared to Glasgow this would be some of the Eyewitness accounts;

America: “Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, I just ran for my life. I thought I was gonna die, he got so close to me.”

Glasgow: “C*nt wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him.”

America: “I just wanna get home,away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought I was gonna die.”

Glasgow: “Here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a feckin’ plane!”

America: “There was pandemonium, people were running in all directions,we didn’t know what was hapening, I thought I was gonna die.”

Glasgow: “Feck this fir a kerry oan, moan, we’ll get a pint in.”

America: “We thought he was gonna blow us all up. He had a gas canister and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life.”

Glasgow: “A swaggered by the motor that wis on fire and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis ‘n fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws.”

America: “There was this huge explosion,it sounded like war, I thought I was gonna die.”

Glasgow: “There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that.”
America: “I’m too traumatised even to speak,I thought I was gonna die.”

Glasgow “Here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it.”

& finally, two genuine quotes from a real eye-witness aka John Smeaton.

1) ITV news. The interviewer asked, “What message do you have for the bombers?” Smeaton replied, “This is Glasgow, we’ll just set about you.”

2) CNN. The interviewer asked, “How did you restrain the guy?” Smeaton replied, “Me and other folk were just tryin tae get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him."

Pure class.

And God created.......

2007-07-23T15:03:00.000Z

In the beginning, The Lord God Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to His mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal.In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas".

"Excuse me Sire", interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots"?"Not really", replied the Lord, "wait 'til you see the neighbours I'm giving them".

Terror Attacks...........

2007-07-19T07:57:00.000Z

For the first time in recent history Scotland has become a Target for terrorists. Even the conflicts in Ireland in the 70's and 80's did not involve any part of our land.
There are many theories why we have now become targets including the transfer of power from Tony Blair to Gordon Brown, a scots man.

Scotland has suffered at the hands of mental terrorism for 3hundred years at the hands of the English Government. The tories tested the council tax on us but only scrapped it, like us, when the english public said NO. The first coal mines closed were in Scotland and we are always treated like a small region of England rather than a country with its own identity.
We have always fought against this, and now that we have a Scottish National Party government it is obvious we have had enough.

It will not take is 3hundred years to stand against the tyranny of terrorism. We stand united in our defiance to let this ruin our way of life. We are a proud nation, proud of our heritage, proud of our land and proud of our strength.

To anyone thinking about hurting this beautiful land of ours, we say:-

" away ye go you stupid buggers! Before we drag you doon a close an kick yer feckin heed in!"

Some excellent Quotes....................

2007-06-28T09:29:00.000Z

"There are two seasons in Scotland - June and Winter."

"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards."

“We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it”

“Land of the hill and heather Land of the awful weather. Land where the midges gather- Scotland the Brave"

"KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotsmen in America and Americans in Scotland"

"In Scotland there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes."

"Anyone going for a job in Scotland is advised to get themselves checked out by 15 psychiatrists"

"Dont tell me how to do my job. Do I come to your work and tell you how to sweep up?"

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who gives a fuck, your a mile away from him and youve got his shoes."

No laughs for the past few days........

2007-06-25T11:39:00.000Z

Well, summer is here! Actually someone told me that a few days ago and, Im sorry, they were telling me a big load of bollocks!
In the past 3 days we have had to endure 4, yes 4 major thunderstorms!!!!!!
Summer My ARSE!
with this all in mind forgive me if I dont post any humour!!!
back when the weather and my mood improves!!

T in the park upate..........

2007-06-23T07:45:00.000Z

had a few enquiries for T in the Park tickets so I have done some homework and come up with the following details:-

Ebay - 2hours to go item number
170123295087 £117.00 at 08:48 23/06/07

170123296411 £115.00 at 08:49 23/06/07

Both are for full weekend Camping Friday till Monday!!

both P&P @£5 each if you are lucky to get both for under £150 each these are an absolute bargain.

Competitons to win Tickets (still open)

www.nme.com/win/453
www.ilikemusic.com/competitions/T_IN_THE_PARK-1288
www.hmv.co.uk/hmvweb/navigate.do?ctx=2690;-1;-1;-1&pPageID=2675

If you are unsuccesful there is a way to get aa chance to go, not only for free but get paid for it too. (you will not see all acts and have to work in a very busy and stressfull environment but I worked with Rock Steady 2 years ago and you do get time off, you can hear the main stage and you get paid bucket loads.

for details go to:-

http://www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk/Internet/viewVacancy.do?selectedVacancy=0&ref=COW/22014

Good Luck guys and, just to make you jealouse as I have 2 tickets for the whole weekend, have a great time if you go and I may even bump into you!!!!! Lol

Death of the Television......a bloody RANT!

2007-06-21T11:00:00.000Z

Originally the BBC had only 2 television stations available and only 6 radio stations (some regional) and earned no revenue from advertisements or products, except the TV times. This was why we started paying th Liscense fee. Fair enough as we wanted to pay for the good content and classic programme quality.
Now, however, the BBC has roughly 32 Television and Radio channels available in the UK and a number of others in different countries around the world.
Last year the BBC were given £3.1 BILLION in liscence fees, £800 MILLION from selling productions to other channels and countries and a further £627 Million from selling DVD's, adio cd's and other related products.
Now if it wasnt bad enough that the whole of the UK have to, by law, have to pay the yearly fee please consider the following:-

17.5% of Scottish residents cannot receive the BBC's digital channels wether television or Radio (a higher percentage cannot recieve freeview.)We cannot instal Freeview because there are no relevant transmitters for digital, Cable companies wont consider installing the equipment it requires to receive this service due to the fact it would cost millions of pounds to lay the cables to these remote areas and to top it off we are unable to errect sattelite dishes due a rediculous "English" law which states that most of these affected areas have "CONSERVATION STATUS."
This means that we, us poor folks that cant receive digital, can only tune into 2 tv and 4 radio channels and we still pay the same fee as most of the population of the UK even though they get a hell of a lot more viewing choices!
Why oh Why should we when this is of no fault of our own I ask?
Another point, quite worrying this one, is that the area I live in will be the first region in the UK to switch over to digital and the analogue signal will end. This means in the Scottish Borders there will be a staggering 29.5%(13% will ahve to pay for a subscription service) of residents unable to watch their favourite programmes. More importantly I AM IN THIS CATEGORY!
To make things worse, and yes it can get worse, is that there are no deadlines for this to be resolved!
Bye Bye television, my old friend. You were my babysitter, my trusted confident and a truly special friend, but now it seems we will be parted for ever never to laugh, cry or gasp at the wonderful experiences we have shared. You will be sorely missed but never forgotten.

I must go and get really drunk now to try and forget the impending certainty that I will lose my best friend soon.

My Journeys Around Scotland.Part 1.1

2007-06-20T09:08:00.000Z

It was quite a few years back, 20 to be precise, that my "Discover My Country" obsession began.
We Sarted in Crieff Perthshire, gateway to the Highlands, and embarked on a journey I will never forget.

My first "car", bought for me by my Farmer Parents, was an old Hydro Electric 1.1 deisel Ford Fiesta Mini Van. I am sure the mileage clock had gone round at least 3 times, oil constantly tried to escape from the rust ridden engine and the radiator went through water like a weggie on Irn Bru. Despite this I decided to cram two Ozzy friends, my best friend, myself and a lot of camping equipment and two case loads of Tennents Lager. I should point out that it was a very compact two seater with very little room in the back compartment and we had only 72 hours to discover the West Coast, the Grampian Mouintains, Braemar, Angus and then back to Crieff.

A rough plan was mapped out and was to take an overly optimistic route. First to Stirling for food supplies which takes about an hour, this part of the excursion went without a hitch.
Next stop was Kenmore on the banks of Loch Tay where we drove up the Moniche (pronounced Monzie (???) to Aberfelday back road and turned off at the first left single lane road which leads to our first proper destination. Beautiful scenery abundant, avoiding roaming sheep and sometimes having to stop and get out to scare them off the road, a high cliff ledge to our right and a very long drop to our left and very few passing places. After about an hour, travelling at about 26miles an hour due to the gradient of the hill, we encountered what seemed at the time the largest Bin truck I had ever seen. No room to pass, a drop to our demise at one side and a verry impenetrable cliff on the other, there was no way round and no way the truck driver was reversing. It was up to little, inexperienced me to reverse about three quarters of a mile to get back to the last passing place. I begin to reverse and to my horror the rear window was so small and dirty I couldnt look out there to navigate, I had no passenger wing mirror and the driver side mirror was pock marked with the kind of bubbling you only see in old victorian mirrors. We where DOOMED!
Slowly but surely, helped by my passenger hanging out his window, I started to reverse with the bin truck coming toward us in a very threatening manner. Just as I thought we were going to make it there was a scream from my three passengers, I panicked and instead of hitting the brakes I hit the accelaralator before hittng the brake. We were inches from plunging to certain death, and all of us were white with fear. I clambered out of the car, sorry van, and walked to the back and realised we were closer to the edge than we first thought. One wheel was over the edge and the other Flat. You guessed it, bloody rear wheel drive.
The four bin men, environmental technitions as they are known as nowadays, jumped from the cab of the truck and rushed to the back of my rust bucket vehicle and pissed themselves laughing. by this time my friends had joined me and we all burst into nervous fits of laughter that only occurrs after avoiding a near catostrophic accident.
The kind gentlemen helped us push my wee van to the middle of the road, changed my tyre and we all elected to push it down to the passing place to avoid another disaster.
We thanked them for their patience and help and handed over half a case of lager for their trouble, let them pass and slowly, much slower than before, eventually made it to Kenmore where we elected to go to the only pub, get very drunk and stay the night and leave very early the next morning to head on to our next stop. Onich.

19 hours gone 53 to go!

Slang Dictionary 2

2007-06-20T08:14:00.000Z

Clatchy - Wet/soggy/muddy as in "its bin chuckin doon so the grund'll be clatchy"(it has been raining so the ground will be soggy/wet/muddy)

Cludgie - Toilet

Tollie - excrement

Dub - puddle

giesa - give me a....

Flanje - Female personal parts (the down under bits

Mahonkeys - Boobs/tits a rather nice pair as "look at the mahonkeys on that!"

Cundee - drain as "aw a cannea b'lieve it. Ah drapped a tenner doon the cundee" (oh dear, I cant believe that I dropped a Ten pound note down that drain.

Wee Jim and Auld Jock.....

2007-06-14T11:21:00.000Z

Wee Jim and Auld Jock are "wanderin' doon the toon tae gan fir a pint."
Jock happens across a discarded mirror and picks it up and says to Jim.
"Hey wee jim ah recko'nise this face"
We Jim takes it off him and has a look and slaps Auld Jock around the head and says
"Nae wonder you auld numpty, its ME!"

Jim and Jock are a bit strapped for cash one day only having a single pound coin between them. "whit 'r' we gannae dae Jock, ahm chokin' fir a wee dram."
"Dinnay panick wee man. Huv ah ever let yeh doon!" jock replies. A couple of seconds later Jock darts into a Butchers shop and walks out with a great big grin and a huge sausage.
"wit the hell did yeh dae? Thats oor last poond man, an' yeh went an spet it oan a bloody Sausage?" Wee Jim was not happy.
"Ahve goat a plan just do as ah say." Jock leads wee jim into the nearest pub and asks the barman for two pints and two of the best Malts.
"Wit yeh daene Jock wuv nae money wul git thrown oot or they might even call the polis!"
Auld Jock whips out the sausage and sticks it through his open zipper and tells jim "here while that bar mans tallyin' up oan the till swally yer drinks fast and then git doon oan yer knees and stick yer gums roon this sausage." So they both gulp down the drinks, jim kneels down and puts his mouth around the sausage. The barman turns around to get the cash for the drinks and upon seeing whats going on de,ands that they leave immediately as "this is not that kind of establishment!"
Jimk and Jock repeat this in several bars and get the same outcome, free drinks. At the tenth pub Jim, rubbing his knees, turns to Jock and says "Its bin a great day, but we need tae stoap as ma knees are killin me and im pretty plastered anyway."
Jock replies "Yer kneese are sare. How dya think ah feel! I loast that sausage in the third bloody pub!"

Scotlands had enough of..................

2007-06-13T10:15:00.001Z

The Scottish Sun claiming to be the "Voice Of Scotland"!

National Sports channels ignoring the Scottish Premier League!

Being reffered to as "ENGLISH"!

Scottish Sports personalities being reffered to as "British" when doing well and Scottish when not!

The English!

The Rain!

Not getting Snow in the winter but in APRIL!

The wisdom of the Scottish School Pupil

2007-06-13T10:10:00.000Z

"I would like to apologise for the grafitti in your room especially as I had signed it!"

" You cannae fight!...Yae'd get a better fight fae a deid coo!"

"But Miss, I don't like the tap water. I like drinking the water in the boys' lavvies!"

"How are ye gonnae sign fir yur giro cheque if ye cannae write?"

"Magdeburg was a German scientist with balls seven feet in diameter
and when he attached two teams of horses to them, he couldn't pull them
apart"

T in the Park 2007

2007-06-13T08:22:00.000Z

T in the Park is just around the corner and after being voted the "best music festival" in the UK last year it is a must see for all music lovers of all ages.

This year boasts an incredible line up and for the first time ever the Arena will be open on Friday evening, exclusively for campers.

The Arctic Monkeys, Bloc Party and Lilly Allan will be the first ever Friday Acts.

James return to T in the Park this year and are one of the best received acts at Balado along with the Kooks, Amy Whinehouse, Babyshambles, Dizzee Rascal, Lostprophets, James Morrison and Snow Patrol to name a select few.

Now with an amazing 8 stages 132+ acts over this amazing weekend!!

A bit serious for this site I hear you mumble........but no!

At T in the Park you will not only witness great Music and entertainment from the number of artists in the line up, but also (especially if camping for the weekend), you will witness the great humour and inane banter that is exclusive to us Scots.

You will stumble across all walks of life, in all manners of sobriety and everyone is in good form, always.

From the late night parties in the Camping Village, (the camping area is so large it boasts its own Postcode. although getting mail delivered can be tricky - Mr reveller, 4017 tent, row 2181, camping village, balado), to the very drunk, hyper, exzcited, stoned or wasted party goers in the arena (there is never anyone completely sober)it is in no doubt an experience in Real Scottish Culture and banter you are never likely to forget!!

All 140,000 tickets have sold out, but dont despair you can still enter to win tickets from various web sites (google search "win t in the park) but failing that I urge you to be ready to buy 2008 tickets no matter what country you are from as this festival always proves to be AMAZING!

(Big Day Promotions have warned that despite their best efforts there are counterfieght tickets and unscrupuluos ticket touts out there so please BE CAUTIOUS!)

http://www.tinthepark.com/

Canny Scotts Tours 2007

2007-06-12T09:59:00.000Z

Welcome to The Canny Scotts Bus Tours (Scotland) plc, your local Scottish bus tour specialist offering value for money and comfortable travel. From outside our luxury offices situated at Lochee Road in Auchtermuchty, we'll whisk you away in one of our top of the range luxury coaches to various destinations throughout Scotland. All our coaches have natural air conditioning and are luxuriously fitted and furnished to ensure your journey with The Canny Scotts Tours is made as comfortable as possible. From the Burberry head cloths to the conveniently located Irn-Bru holder at the side of your seat, no expense has been spared in making your journey enjoyable, relaxing and memorable.

Hello! My name's Marie McGlutcheon and I'm the Canny Scotts customer service manager and on-board hostess. It's my job to ensure that your journey with Canny Scotts is one you'll never forget and so far I've managed to succeed in achieving this with every Canny Scotts tour I've had the pleasure to serve on. I will take care of your every whim during your journey! From complimentary copies of the News O' the World and Sun newspapers, to bottles of chilled Buckfast or Deep Fried Mars Bars, in fact any extras you need, I can provide for you - you only have to ask. In 2006 I received the honour of 'Canny Scotts Employee of The Year' and it's my aim to keep this prestigious award into 2007. Obviously Rab the driver and myself are the only two employees at the moment, but if we do expand later, I still want to keep my title. By helping Canny Scotts to provide unrivalled levels of customer service, I just know I can achieve this and I can't wait to welcome YOU onboard soon!

Canny Scotts Conditions of Service & Travel

The Canny Scotts Bus tours make no guarantees that the bus will turn-up on time or on the day specified as published in the timetable and you have no hope in hell of any refund. Passengers are reminded that all Canny Scotts Tour buses are smoker friendly and you will be expected to light-up at the start of your journey - non smokers will be asked to alight immediately and could be chibbed by the driver. Lighting and heating are dependant on the bus battery being fully charged - we will do our best to ensure both are available on most trips. Shagging is not permitted in the vehicle's toilets - please ensure this is carried out at your seat for the entertainment of other passengers. In the event of anything going wrong, make sure your personal insurance is up to date as Canny Scotts Tours maximum accident liability will be £0.04 per passenger. Enjoy your trip!

Scottish Moto

2007-06-11T09:44:00.000Z

For, so long as a one of us remain sober, we never will in any degree be subject to the dominion of seriousness. Since it is not for glory, riches or honour we live, but for drink alone, which no good man loses but with his wife.

Mcgregor the Farmer

2007-06-11T09:41:00.000Z

McGregor the farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whisky.'Ye see that fence over there?' he says to the barman. 'Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No...'He gulps down the whisky and orders another. 'Ye see that pier on the loch?' He continues, 'Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No.''But ye fuck ONE sheep....'

Slang Dictionary part II

2007-06-11T09:20:00.000Z

Eh :Yes, used in dundee all the time Eh i ken = Yes I know

Errapolis :The constabulary is approaching.Usually followed by "Ah'm gettin the f*@k ootae here"

Erse Arse, bum

Ersed BotheredGonnae get us a beer fae the fridge?" "Naw.. Ah cannae be ersed"

Fannybawz
A glasgow male who's demeanor displays an abnormal level of female characteristics ie. 'Haw fannybawz, stoap greetin aboot gettin dumped and get yer Bukky doon yer throat!

http://www.firstfoot.com

(Bukky = Buckfast Tonic Wine)

A Fly in me Pint?

2007-06-09T14:00:00.000Z

An Englishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a pub one day, each enjoying a pint.

All of a sudden, three flies appeared, each landing simultaneously in each of the pints.The Englishman turned up his nose, pushed the pint away, then went off to order a fresh one.The Welshman reached in, grabbed the fly, flicked it away, then continued drinking.The Scotsman reached in, grabbed the fly, looked it straight in the face, and growled, "Spit it oot, ye bastard!"

This Weegie Lad si OAN FIRE...

2007-06-09T13:54:00.000Z

In the early wee small hours at an hotel in Edinburgh during the festival the young lady at reception was confronted by a well dressed but seriously pissed Weegie guest who stumbled down from the second floor and saying in front of her said " Haw hen, gonnae geez anurra rrom?"
"Well sir," she replied, "we're a bit crowded as its the festival so I don't know whether I could shift you immediately. It's pretty late you know"
"Mmm'shory" said the guest courteously but slightly loder, " I repeat - gonnae geez anurra room?"
"Why what's the matter isn't the room I gave you comfortable?" she asked.
"Sheems awright" admitted the Weegie guest, "Nev'less naidtaebe mooved"
"Well, what's the matter with your room?" she asked exasperated by now.
Leaning forward conspiritorially the Weegie bent forward clutching the reception counter he said to her in a conspiritorial whisper, "Shh'oan fire!"

Why Scotland is a Braw Place!

2007-06-09T13:48:00.000Z

Scottish Car Stickers

2007-06-07T11:53:00.000Z

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Scotland is full so bugger off back home!

2007-06-07T11:33:00.000Z

The two old Scots had imbibed overmuch. Saying his good-night, the one told the other: "John, man, when ye gang oot at the door, ye'll see twa cabs. Tak' the first yin - the t'ither ane's no' there!"

Mrs Mary McInroy, of Perth, in the Scottish Highlands, chose a name for her son's home in Perth, Australia: 'Emahroo'. It spells 'Oor Hame' backwards.

Did you hear about the tourists who were visiting an old graveyards in Scotland and came upon a headstone that read "Here lies a pious man, a wonderful father, and a great teacher." One of the visitors quipped, "Just like the Scots tae bury three men in one grave!"

Jock, a believer in old customs, was giving directions for his own funeral. "Noo," he said to his son, "ye'll gae roon' the entire company an' see that they ha'e a dram. Syne ye'll gae roon' an' see that ha'e anither." Then he sighed and added, "An' as I'll no' be there mysel', I'll just ha'e mine the noo !"

Charlie Maclean, the life insurance salesman, had a special way of getting reluctant customers to sign up. "Take your time. Don't let me rush you. Sleep on it, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know then."

funy spot.....1

2007-06-07T11:16:00.000Z

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? Och! It's no that dark!

Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value.

HOUSEWIVES: I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat
pocket.

for more of the same try this link- http://scotlandvacations.com/scottishhumour.htm

Scottish Slang..........??

2007-06-07T11:07:00.000Z

Act it
Deliberately behaving in an obtuse manner. Trying it on. ie 'Twelve pints isnae enuff tae get ye pished so dinnae act it.'

Aff
Off or from, depending on usage. ExamplesYer aff yer heid - You're madAh goat it aff the broo - I got it from those nice people at the Employment Exchange

am'fair peched
to pech i.e. breathe noisily

Chib
Noun: A non-projectile weapon. May be blunt or sharp, can include razors, lead pipes, bits of wood with nails hammered in, Stanley knives, etc... . Possibly the main feature that these will have in common is that a chib is something which has been adopted for use as a weapon, possibly with ingenious modifications, rather than something originally designed for that purpose. So a survivalist knife with a 10-inch blade wi the wee jaggy bits (What ur they fur anyway?) is probably not a chib. A crossbow or catapult is similarly not a chib. A Star Trek phaser is not a chib. Probably connected to the word shiv.Prounced TchibA chibbing is an attack from such an implement. Verb: To employ a chib - usually against another human being, but often against a ned. One who has been subjected to attack with a chib is said to have been chibbed. Examples: Hey, did ye see that pigeon chibbin that seagull wi the Irn Bru boattle?Ah'm no sayin it's a rough pub, but if the chucker-oot frisks ye an disnae fun a chib, he gies ye wan!

HISTORY O' THE HAGGIS

2007-06-05T14:10:00.000Z

Here we introduce the Haggis - a wee fluffy animal native to Scotland.
Haggis are notoriously hard to catch. There is only one sure way of capturing a Haggis and that's by luring it with the sound of a piper playing the bagpipes. Once the Haggis hears the pipes, it is completely hypnotised by the sound and follows the piper. At this point, the piper's accomplice hides nearby, ready to kill the animal with a large stone.
The animal's feet are shorter on one side than they are on the other, this means that when they are trapped they can only run around in circles and are an easy catch to the Haggis Hunter. This aside, their feet deformity makes it easier for them to climb round the Scottish mountains

Haggis hunting is now banned in Scotland although in some areas it is still illegally conducted under the cover of night. If you are staying in the Highlands during the summer and you hear the eerie sound of Bagpipes being played during the night - it's not a ghost - it's more likely to be an illegal haggis hunt.

There's also been some rumours that a local animal testing laboratory in Central Scotland are considering testing cosmetics and toiletry products on live Haggi.
Local animal rights activists are currently planning demonstrations in various cities to protest.

Thankfully the practice of carrying out live Haggis vivisections in primary schools in Scotland has now been completely outlawed to protect the species.

when theres a fire-Jump on a Donkey?

2007-06-05T14:06:00.001Z

The Scottish Office recently published a fire safety leaflet in Urdu with instructions on how to leave your house in the event of a fire. The leaflet stated that anyone who had to evacuate their house, should use the nearest window and gently lower themselves onto a donkey. The Scottish Office have confirmed that this was actually a typing error and that it should be a cushion that you lower yourself onto

Oh little town of Newcastleton....

2007-06-05T14:05:00.001Z

In the sleepy Borders village of Newcastleton, Police are currently investigating the theft of a statue of the baby Jesus from the village's nativity set. A police spokesman said that a 17 year old male would be the subject of a report to the Procurator Fiscal although enquiries into the whereabouts of the baby Jesus were still continuing. It is thought by locals that the statue could be hidden in a local inn or hotel although at the time of the theft, there were no rooms available. Margaret McPherson from the local church added that the thief was probably not a very wise man to carry out such a crime and that his reward would be great if the statue was returned.

Getting Extra from Halifax

2007-06-05T14:03:00.001Z

Stephanie McLaughlin from Aberdeen was waiting for her monthly bank statement to arrive from the Halifax and sure enough, arrive it did, along with another 75,000 bank statements for other customers which were delivered to her in error! Stephanie complained to HBOS and was told they are currently investigating the error to find out why it happened. HBOS apologised in a statement: "We are treating this matter very seriously and are investigating in full and we will take steps to ensure there is no security issue for customers as a result of this matter". A member of staff from HBOS who wished to remain anonymous, said: "I can't really see what the problem is here, our slogan is we'll always give you Extra!"

Local delivery Bus!

2007-06-05T13:59:00.000Z

Passengers on the Glasgow to Wishaw Coakley bus service were very surprised when their driver made a detour to deliver a chest of drawers and a cooker to a friend in Motherwell. The passengers on the bus had noticed the furniture tied-up in the space normally reserved for prams and buggies and thought it was a bit strange but were later astounded when the driver actually diverted the route to an address in Motherwell for his home delivery! The director of Coakley buses apologised for the diversion and confirmed that they had used an interpreter to speak to the Polish driver and further had now been given a warning and lost his bonus as a result of the incident. Aparently the driver was unaware that he was not allowed to deliver furniture on his route.

Funny Scotland?

2007-06-05T13:42:00.000Z

Hi folks,

I thought "what would be better to post some funny anecdotes and stories from in and around this beautiful nation of ours?"

Tell me what you think or just read for laughs.

If you have anything funny to add just let me know.
Cheers

Scotland the Wit ???

Is Summer here????

Susan Boyle. International Superstar ?

Parrott and Viagra

It has been ages

tam and senga

blow up doll ....................

Wow......

QUARTER FINALS....

Scotland the amazing............

Scotland, Brainiest Bunch in Britain. Official!!

Some Geographical Facts on Scotland

Scotlands had enough of...........

Tam the Magician

Tam the Magician

Edinburgh Fringe Festival........

a couple ay jokes

Tam confides.........

Jock and Tam at it again.....

Scottish slang

Under Construction

humour sites

summer............

Summer..................

John Smeaton Local Hero!

And God created.......

Terror Attacks...........

Some excellent Quotes....................

No laughs for the past few days........

T in the park upate..........

Death of the Television......a bloody RANT!

My Journeys Around Scotland.Part 1.1

More true Stories.......

Slang Dictionary 2

Wee Jim and Auld Jock.....

Scotlands had enough of..................

The wisdom of the Scottish School Pupil

T in the Park 2007

Canny Scotts Tours 2007

Scottish Moto

Mcgregor the Farmer

Slang Dictionary part II

A Fly in me Pint?

This Weegie Lad si OAN FIRE...

Why Scotland is a Braw Place!

Scottish Car Stickers

funy spot.....1

Scottish Slang..........??

HISTORY O' THE HAGGIS

when theres a fire-Jump on a Donkey?

Oh little town of Newcastleton....

Getting Extra from Halifax

Local delivery Bus!

Funny Scotland?